I’ve come to the conclusion that picking apart a film like Transformers: Dark of the Moon is the equivalent to mocking Sarah Palin or Glen Beck: all of which are so painstakingly embarrassing, uniformly idiotic, and quite frankly, a waste of time to put your energy into.
Transformers is made for the lowest common denominator of filmgoers. That may upset some, but if you’re not a child between the ages 6-12, you have no reason to watch a film with so little substance. If a picture is not going to be entertaining, funny, dramatic, or heartfelt, what the hell is the purpose?
“Dark of the Moon”, which I desperately hope does not get confused with Pink Floyd’s 1973 masterpiece of an album Dark Side of the Moon, is a tedious, unpleasant cinematic experience completed in a perfunctory manner. I loathed this film.
I hated every insulting stereotype, I hated the script which has no morals, I hated the constant scheming of action sequences that have zero fluency, I hated that the film is a video game, that you don’t get to play, but you see most of all, I hated that Transformers: Dark of the Moon was not fun, exhilarating, or exciting. I know these films have no redeeming value, but at least entertain me. Instead Michael Bay directs yet another despicable piece of work that insults it’s viewers intellect.
The plot, which contains about as much structure as the re-boot of the Republican tea party, chronicles the Autobots as they learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the Moon. Besides the gigantic robots, we have the return of Shia Labeouf’s Sam Witwicky – in this film he’s on the job hunt, sporting around a new girlfriend played by the beautiful Rosie Huntingon-Whtieley (Victoria Secret model) and is certain that he’s an American hero. It doesn’t take long for Sam to get back into the game, and as soon as the Decepticons attempt to take over Earth, he among his Autobot pals joins the fight in saving our planet.
But honestly, who cares?
Michael Bay doesn’t and neither does writer Ehren Kruger. If they did, the two profitable filmmakers wouldn’t drag us through such a repetitive and treacherous story.
Shia LaBeouf and Rosie Huntingon-Whtieleystar star in the third installment into the enormous "Transformers" series.
The film’s motives comes down to this: How many action sequences the Autobots and Decepticons can divulge in and how Shia LaBeouf will manage to woo yet another jaw-dropping, awe inducing model. The latter is a bit more entertaining, but just barely.
Problems come in spades, but what I want to know is what card game Oscar caliber actors John Malkovich, John Turturro, and of all people Frances McDormand lose to make them star in this unholy picture? I’m scared the search for the answers.
Back in 2009 I promised myself that I’d always be honest to my readers – as few as they sometimes appear to be. Some may love the Transformers mantra and no matter what I say you’ll subject yourself into this film, because you’ve found a place in your heart for the franchise. If you can do such, good for you. I wish I was as lucky, because a picture like Transformers: Dark of the Moon gets me upset, furious with Hollywood, and the filmmaker responsible for producing such trash.
I have no doubt in saying “Dark of the Moon” will be the longest 154-minutes of the film-going year. The bombastic and overbearing action sequences are obnoxious and lurid. Plot development is non-existent and the same could go for a quality story. Oh, and that crazy little thing called enjoyment, is also, o-so scarce.
Michael Bay’s soulless and incompetent directing style adds up to a time-waster that’s preachy, sappy, prolonged and by the end, will have you longing for Sucker Punch. Wow, never thought I’d say that.
Rating: 
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)
Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Josh Duhamel
Director: Michael Bay
Writer: Ehren Kruger
Runtime: 157 minutes
Genre: sf, adventure, action
Ohh. Yes! Love it. You haven’t seen Revenge of the Fallen have you? So very very bad.
I can only imagine what this one will be like. 154 minutes? Why are all of Bay’s films so long?
I’ll be honest, I did enjoy the first film when I saw it at the cinemas. But, I wonder how I would react to the film now. I have been hoping to get my rant on ever since the Pirates 4/Your Highness double. This will very likely be it.
Top work, my friend. Hats off to you for enduring this!
I truly didn’t hope for an awful film. I wished it was worth while. But this is truly trash.
Looking forward to your write up.
Gee, I thought it was the best “Transformers” movie since “Revenge of the Fallen.”
Haha, there’s Ward for you.
Yep, I love the Transformers mantra, and will be seeing this in a few days with my mind parked in neutral!
See! I understand that Rodney. Some people may truly enjoy these pictures, not sure why, but it’s fine.
Hope you have a good time – I surely did not.
Impressed you were able to write that review sans curse words. Bravo! This franchise with Bay at the helm has absolutely no cinematic nutritional value at all. Also, shame on Spielberg for collecting a paycheck just for having his name on these films. He couldn’t possibly believe these are good films. Can he?
He couldnt possibly need the money.
What I don’t get is why people are surprised at the lack of cinematic “nutritional value” these films possess? It’s a film where giant robots fight each other. Expecting quality character over the potential for carnage and destruction is like expecting a three year-old to share a block of chocolate: you hope they do, but know they wont.
I wrote in my review that I knew coming into the film that it would have no redeeming value – I just wanted the film to entertain.
And it did not.
Wow, zero stars huh? I guess I can’t knock you for your opinion but your opening statement was similar to how I felt writing my review. Hard to analyze this kind of movie for anything other than a rousing game of “count the explosions”:P
I found myself wondering what really was the point of it all, with so many characters that were totally unnecessary and the outlandish, rushed and contrived plot. But then like Rodney said above I had my “mind parked in neutral”. I think this year’s sequel films (Pirates 4, X-Men and this) to me were entertaining for the sole reason that they were’t complete nose dives like their previous installments. Suffice to say it was more than I expected because I had zero expectations:)
I too went in with my head in neutral .. I hadn’t seen the whole “Revenge of the Fallen” .. so I had zero preconceptions.
Thanks for reading Marc!
Let it all out, Sam. You’ll feel a whole lot better afterwards…
For the record, there’s about as much chance of me watching this movie as there is of you being able to plait fog.
Ya, this doesn’t seem like your type of film.
Thanks for reading Colin.
sam this is so true. i just saw it today, so bad and so long. why did you give it 4 stars if you didnt like it though?
I gave it zero stars. Thus the reason why they are blank white as opposed to gold.
Thanks for reading.
For me, I enjoyed myself so much because the story may start off slow, but as time goes on, the action is amazing and just happens non-stop to the point of where I left, I was just totally worn-out thanks to Michael Bay. Good Review Sam! Check out mine when you can!
Will do. Thanks for reading.
[...] Movie Reviews, who go along with the nonsense of it all with a sentiment of glee, while Sam at Duke & The Movies seems to have confused his review of Dark Of The Moon with The Human Centipede. I can’t wait [...]
And yet it’s still better than the last one…
Fantastic review! Like you and like most critics, I loathed almost everything about this film. But I can’t help but feel that this film – or this trilogy of films – represents the point where the views of critics and audiences diverge completey. Most people I’ve spoken to outside of the critical community came back with the same “just turn off your brain” answer. Part of me worries about their sanity and taste, but hey, I guess I’m envious they had a good time when I didn’t!
Your talking about a very tender, problematic issue Tom.
I feel that thought even when you try to use that “leave your brain at the door” method, it doesn’t completely work. Another aspect is that, unlike audiences who may be selective with the film they see, critics, at least ones that are on press lists, must attend the screen they’ve been invited to.
We endure in all the lackluster affairs. And trust me, after a long day, sitting through “Transformers” is a slog. Most importantly, it is two hours of my life I’ll never get back.
Thanks for reading Tom.
[...] Transformers: Dark of the Moon: By this point in the game I feel my the appropriate response to this film would be the subtle, [...]
Oh it didn’t have a sophisticated and complex title and plot it must be a shit movie. Sam why do you review these movies just to hate on them, no shit you weren’t going to like this. You didn’t like the second one, so why go to the third one. Obviously there isn’t going to be a strong plot in this. Not all movies need that. That doesn’t make them bad. You write this review like your trying to talk down to people that like it. And there is such things as action movies so that is it’s purpose. And if your going to give this movie a fair chance, why not watch the first one and more then 30 minutes of the second one.
If you must know Paramount invited me to the press screening, because you’re right, I wouldn’t go otherwise.
And I don’t go into these films to hate on them, I hate seeing bad films. I just wanted to enjoy myself, have a good time while watching the Autobots and Deceptecons. Sorry I did not.
For your point on the second film, I would watch it. But when your lead actor and director admit their film is shit and “underwritten” – I’m not all that eager to go out searching for it.
Sorry if my review upset you Mike. If you only knew how bad I felt after watching this awful film.
Well, you warned me, but I took my kids to see it anyway. That was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. They just threw a bunch of crap together and called it a movie. I should have listened to you.
Everyone makes mistakes my good sir
[...] Duke & The MoviesMarshall and the MoviesAnd So it Begins… [...]
[...] Duke & The MoviesMarshall and the MoviesAnd So it Begins… [...]
[...] Duke & The MoviesMarshall and the MoviesAnd So it Begins… [...]
[...] Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon: Oh yes, the film that made me long for the atrocity that is Sucker Punch. Michael Bay is my [...]
When I initially left a comment I clicked the notify me when new comments are added and now whenever a comment is added I recieve several emails with the exact same remark. Is there any way you are able to remove folks from that service? Many thanks!
HORRIBLE POST ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WTFFFFF.. THIS SHIT SUCKS!!! TRANSFORMERS IS THE SHIT!!!! YOU FAIL! I HATEEEEEE YOUUUUUU… YOU NEED TO WATCH IT AGAIN AND RATE IT A 4 STAR NIGGA!… 0 STARS !?!?
I agree with the post above, this was horrible..